I struggle with the writing of this weekly blog. I feel a responsibility to be positive and motivational. I have urges to vent and pour out deeper emotions, but I’m scared of going too far and saying too much. This has me at a cross roads. I also believe that the written word has power and if I pen my darker thoughts or frustrations then I’m perpetuating that. Yet- I feel like a fraud to only discuss the silver linings of who I am and what I go through as an artist – a serious one- an unconventional one. I have numerous fantasies of writing something purely anonymous just so I can say more.
My advice to anyone else though would be to do it anyway – be brave.
If your nerve deny you – Go above your nerve. – Emily Dickinson
There are times that I become dizzy with doubt. It’s a feeling that I can’t stand. I don’t recognize myself in these moments. I feel lost and uncertain and overwhelmed. I’ll often take a shower when this strikes me – hoping the water will act as an elixir. It does help. It’s sort of a reset button on my day. Then I do my best to just take it easy afterwards- maybe write down some good memories or recent goals I’ve accomplished and then focus on a task until I feel better.
Right now I’m in between gear shifts for my career and company. I feel and see tremendous possibilities ahead.
Doubt lurks in the crevices of these transitions and no amount of showering has quite eased it.
So there it is. Me stating my uncertainty.
I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow or the next moment. But I know I can’t just ignore this current state. There’s something important there – something emotional – something personal. I’ll share as much of it as I can – as I move through- and hopefully there’s a bright epiphany on the way.
Pretty Little Mess Self Portrait Series 2014 Los Angeles, MacArthur Park Vintage Oscar De La Renta Tuxedo Jacket