Born again virginity, Vows of Celibacy, Pooty-tang Pauses: different name, same concept.
Many of my single girlfriends have given up sex at one time or another for various reasons:
- Someone hurt them terribly
- They think holding out will let them know if a man is truly interested in them (a la Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man).
- They are in a long-term relationship and want the man to commit (cut off the milk, so that he will finally buy the cow).
- They want to spend some time just getting to know and better themselves.
Damn, I hate to put myself out there like this, but I just don’t get it. I mean I get it in theory. I understand the theory of giving up on something when it isn’t giving you the results that you want. I just don’t get it when people REALLY stick to their exasperated, “I’m giving up sex,” assertion.
One, going without sex just seems like adding insult injury. I didn’t get love from a certain guy that I wanted and now I’m going to punish myself and not get sex too? Don’t I need something to help me heal from my broken heart besides ice cream and pizza? Nothing like a good orgasm to convince you that life, indeed, goes on.
I agree with Steve Harvey: you should wait to know if a man is truly interested in you before you have sex. However, I don’t think that this process takes 3 months. There is a big difference between meeting a man at the club and sleeping with him that night; and sleeping with a man after he has consistently called you and regularly spent time with you. Sex, also is a big part of relationships. If there isn’t sexual chemistry, most people do not want to continue dating. Frankly, when I was dating, if a man had made me wait 3 months before we had sex, I would’ve lost interest.
More importantly, in reference to reasons 2 & 3, I think that it is huge mistake to use sex as a tool, or a bargaining chip. Sadly, like my girlfriend says, “Coochie is a penny-stock. Back in the day, men had to work hard to score. Now, they don’t even need to buy a chick a Happy Meal or send a text – as the opportunities for sex are so plentiful. But, I really think that it is sad when women use sex as a tool. It indicates that sex is something that you are giving to someone instead of sharing with someone. If you want the truth, I think that most men would prefer a long-term relationship with woman who genuinely enjoys sex instead of one who just tolerates it or does it for them.
I can appreciate people taking a break from sex to “be quiet” with themselves, if they need that. Only you can decide what you need to be your best, authentic, whole self. I just encourage women not to hide behind this reason — if the real reason is fear: fear of being hurt, again. We all have had sex with people and the relationship didn’t turn out to be A Happy Ever After. We don’t find that “right one” immediately; but it doesn’t mean that the relationship was right just because it wasn’t permanent. I don’t regret any of the sexual relationships I have had. I enjoyed them then and am better now. Live as if finding a forever true love is certainty, not an improbability. We get what we believe and act upon.
Sex is a natural, and should be something that you desire to share with someone if you feel that there is a genuine appreciation and respect between you and the other person. Sex isn’t bad; it isn’t a tool or a bargaining chip. You shouldn’t use it to “get” a man (trust me that will not work). It is about you, should be for you, and the decision to have it or not should solely be yours.
-Randi Bryant
Passionate * Opinionated * Curious * Perpetually excited about life, Randi Bryant writes on her blog Beatnik24.com and has her first book coming out in early 2017. When she’s not writing, she is happiest when there is a glass of wine in her hand.