Born again virginity, Vows of Celibacy, Pooty-tang Pauses: different name, same concept.
Many of my single girlfriends have given up sex at one time or another for various reasons:
- Someone hurt them terribly
- They think holding out will let them know if a man is truly interested in them (a la Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man).
- They are in a long-term relationship and want the man to commit (cut off the milk, so that he will finally buy the cow).
- They want to spend some time just getting to know and better themselves.
Damn, I hate to put myself out there like this, but I just don’t get it. I mean I get it in theory. I understand the theory of giving up on something when it isn’t giving you the results that you want. I just don’t get it when people REALLY stick to their exasperated, “I’m giving up sex,” assertion.
One, going without sex just seems like adding insult injury. I didn’t get love from a certain guy that I wanted and now I’m going to punish myself and not get sex too? Don’t I need something to help me heal from my broken heart besides ice cream and pizza? Nothing like a good orgasm to convince you that life, indeed, goes on.
I agree with Steve Harvey: you should wait to know if a man is truly interested in you before you have sex. However, I don’t think that this process takes 3 months. There is a big difference between meeting a man at the club and sleeping with him that night; and sleeping with a man after he has consistently called you and regularly spent time with you. Sex, also is a big part of relationships. If there isn’t sexual chemistry, most people do not want to continue dating. Frankly, when I was dating, if a man had made me wait 3 months before we had sex, I would’ve lost interest.
More importantly, in reference to reasons 2 & 3, I think that it is huge mistake to use sex as a tool, or a bargaining chip. Sadly, like my girlfriend says, “Coochie is a penny-stock. Back in the day, men had to work hard to score. Now, they don’t even need to buy a chick a Happy Meal or send a text – as the opportunities for sex are so plentiful. But, I really think that it is sad when women use sex as a tool. It indicates that sex is something that you are giving to someone instead of sharing with someone. If you want the truth, I think that most men would prefer a long-term relationship with woman who genuinely enjoys sex instead of one who just tolerates it or does it for them.
I can appreciate people taking a break from sex to “be quiet” with themselves, if they need that. Only you can decide what you need to be your best, authentic, whole self. I just encourage women not to hide behind this reason — if the real reason is fear: fear of being hurt, again. We all have had sex with people and the relationship didn’t turn out to be A Happy Ever After. We don’t find that “right one” immediately; but it doesn’t mean that the relationship was right just because it wasn’t permanent. I don’t regret any of the sexual relationships I have had. I enjoyed them then and am better now. Live as if finding a forever true love is certainty, not an improbability. We get what we believe and act upon.
Sex is a natural, and should be something that you desire to share with someone if you feel that there is a genuine appreciation and respect between you and the other person. Sex isn’t bad; it isn’t a tool or a bargaining chip. You shouldn’t use it to “get” a man (trust me that will not work). It is about you, should be for you, and the decision to have it or not should solely be yours.