Born again virginity, Vows of Celibacy, Pooty-tang Pauses: different name, same concept.

Many of my single girlfriends have given up sex at one time or another for various reasons:

  • Someone hurt them terribly
  • They think holding out will let them know if a man is truly interested in them (a la Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man).
  • They are in a long-term relationship and want the man to commit (cut off the milk, so that he will finally buy the cow).
  • They want to spend some time just getting to know and better themselves.

Damn, I hate to put myself out there like this, but I just don’t get it.  I mean I get it in theory.  I understand the theory of giving up on something when it isn’t giving you the results that you want.  I just don’t get it when people REALLY stick to their exasperated, “I’m giving up sex,” assertion.

One, going without sex just seems like adding insult injury.  I didn’t get love from a certain guy that I wanted and now I’m going to punish myself and not get sex too?  Don’t I need something to help me heal from my broken heart besides ice cream and pizza?  Nothing like a good orgasm to convince you that life, indeed, goes on.

I agree with Steve Harvey:  you should wait to know if a man is truly interested in you before you have sex.  However, I don’t think that this process takes 3 months.  There is a big difference between meeting a man at the club and sleeping with him that night; and sleeping with a man after he has consistently called you and regularly spent time with you.  Sex, also is a big part of relationships.  If there isn’t sexual chemistry, most people do not want to continue dating. Frankly, when I was dating, if a man had made me wait 3 months before we had sex, I would’ve lost interest.

More importantly, in reference to reasons 2 & 3, I think that it is huge mistake to use sex as a tool, or a bargaining chip.  Sadly, like my girlfriend says, “Coochie is a penny-stock.  Back in the day, men had to work hard to score.  Now, they don’t even need to buy a chick a Happy Meal or send a text – as the opportunities for sex are so plentiful.  But, I really think that it is sad when women use sex as a tool.  It indicates that sex is something that you are giving to someone instead of sharing with someone.  If you want the truth, I think that most men would prefer a long-term relationship with woman who genuinely enjoys sex instead of one who just tolerates it or does it for them.

I can appreciate people taking a break from sex to “be quiet” with themselves, if they need that.  Only you can decide what you need to be your best, authentic, whole self.  I just encourage women not to hide behind this reason — if the real reason is fear: fear of being hurt, again.  We all have had sex with people and the relationship didn’t turn out to be A Happy Ever After.  We don’t find that “right one” immediately; but it doesn’t mean that the relationship was right just because it wasn’t permanent.  I don’t regret any of the sexual relationships I have had.  I enjoyed them then and am better now.  Live as if finding a forever true love is certainty, not an improbability.  We get what we believe and act upon.

Sex is a natural, and should be something that you desire to share with someone if you feel that there is a genuine appreciation and respect between you and the other person.  Sex isn’t bad; it isn’t a tool or a bargaining chip.  You shouldn’t use it to “get” a man (trust me that will not work).  It is about you, should be for you, and the decision to have it or not should solely be yours.

 

-Randi Bryant