How do you do balance motherhood with everything else that you do?
That is the number one question asked of me since the moment I gave birth to my daughter. Most of my friends do not have kids and it’s perfectly fine to not want any – it’s also perfectly fine to have one or two or more. There’s a lot of micro aggressions that come along with being a mom who also has a flourishing career and the most frequently stated one is in the form of this question. Behind this question is a very patriarchal mindset – no one asks fathers this. My partner Dennis has NEVER been asked this in an interview. That’s the first clue. It’s crazy to me because he is a prominent component to how I balance motherhood with everything. My child has a father who is active in her life and we share these responsibilities. I lean on him, he leans on me. That’s the balance.
I understand that this question frequently doesn’t come from malice or shade, it’s more from marvel or true curiosity – so I’m going to answer it the best I can and send this link to everyone in the future 🙂
If you want to have a child and a career – talk to that being/spirit before you become pregnant. Yes I did this. I spoke out loud to my future child about what this here life would be like and made it very clear what they would be getting into. I believe that we choose a lot of our experience before we arrive as human beings so I made sure to communicate that. Then while pregnant I continued this conversation while my little baby was growing in my belly. I had many fears about pregnancy and giving birth but I had little to no fear about who I was as a woman and what I had to offer a little growing person. In other words I had a strong sense of myself and wasn’t looking to my child or motherhood to complete that.
So when Rockwelle was born and then on set 5 weeks later I wasn’t surprised and neither was she. Everyone said she was the quietest baby they ever saw. She knew the rules already. When I booked my first feature film when she was 10 months old – I brought her to NYC with me. This was challenging. But this is how it got done. Then her Dad took her back to LA for my final days of filming. This was also challenging. But it got done. We continued to grow our company with her and her siblings all along the way. It gets done – as a unit. When it’s beyond the two of us – we have friends, family and people we trust to help with the extra aspects. It takes a village is real. And single moms and dads can also find their village. Having a child will get your priorities in strict order. Your future suddenly extends beyond your own life and you make adjustments for that, time and the use of it becomes an art form that you practice and eventually master, and your sense of humor expands exponentially.
With that I will laugh off this question when it’s repeatedly asked of me (and not my partner) and then do my best to answer including my observations I have about patriarchy.