911! We've Got A Punany Crisis

“Punany is now a penny stock”, my girlfriend Okee likes to declare, when we get on the subject of men and dating (which is basically all the damn time).  Her thing is that men used to invest in us women, in hopes that they would end up with the pay-out of sex in the end.  Men would spend a good part of their pay checks in the quest to wine and dine a woman in order to get her to “drop them panties.”

Remember the joke, “you eating from the F***king side of the menu”.  In her opinion, Ladies ain’t even getting a menu these days.  No Ruth’s Chris.  No Red Lobster. Puh—lease—women aren’t even ordering from the dollar menu at Mickey-D’s but are still texting pictures of their breasts and parts down yonder.

Since a woman will have sex with a man in the parking lot of a club after simply yelling her name in her dance partner’s ear as they grind to some trap song (that’s their foreplay by the way) it makes a man less inclined to spend money on the ones who don’t see a the back seat of a Prius the same as a Holiday Inn (or, God forbid, an actual house or apartment).

As a result, we are in a Punany crisis.  Our best asset has been devalued because the market has been flooded by women who don’t value themselves.  Now don’t ya’ll start getting upset and start writing about how yo’ Punany isn’t your best asset.  Don’t send me your resume listing your degrees, and pictures showing me how pretty you are and notes from your mother telling me about your charming personality.  Punany has taken empires DOWN from Helen of Troy to Monica Lewinsky.  Nobody’s charming personality has caused the problems sex has, or sold what sex has, or brought the smartest men to their knees (just ask the Kardashians), so let’s have a real, grown woman’s conversation here.

First, let’s establish that a woman should do whatever the heck she wants to do with her body. So if she wants to get busy with a guy she barely knows—buy all means—she should get her “Freak” on.  We are talking about those  women who want a text the next day from the guy who was throwing the condom out of the window and asks, “You said your name was, Vicky right?” and she has to correct him and tell him that it’s Nicky.

The key is to ensure that a man is genuinely interested in YOU before you have sex with them (if you are interested in more than a 15 minute roll, a one night stand, or permanent booty-call status). That is ususally determined by looking at how much time, effort and money a man puts in or gives you.  Let’s not make this about money though.   Sometimes interest can be shown with monetary things (it sure helps), but not always.  Oftentimes a man can make you feel special simply by being thoughtful.

Now that we have established those two things-let’s get back to the issue at hand.  We are in a crisis.  So what do we do we do?  What do we do to raise the price of Punany stock?

Obviously, change will only happen one Punany at a time.  Each woman must respect herself enough to decide if this man has invested enough in her for her to share herself with him.  But, wouldn’t it be helpful if we had some written criteria to guide us?  Minimums?  Standards?  A formula?

I’ve never been great in math, but I came up with this formula as a guide.

(effort squared) x (thoughtfulness) x ((weekly income) divided by (amount spent)) = eligibility quotient

Basically, this calculation combines the amount of effort (on a scale of 1 – 10) and thoughtfulness (on a scale of 1 – 10) the man puts in, adds a relative financial component (meaning $20 spent on a date by a lower earning man means more than $20 spent by a higher earning man).

950 and below . . . forget it.

951 – 1,250 — it’s on the table if you are feelin’ it.

And anything over 1,250?  Give that man the punany!!

One calculation at a time, one punany at a time; instead of raising our legs and then raising our voices to curse out men after their disappointing behavior or disappearing act, we women will cause punany to appreciate like Apple stock.