“Punany is now a penny stock”, my girlfriend Okee likes to declare, when we get on the subject of men and dating (which is basically all the damn time).  Her thing is that men used to invest in us women, in hopes that they would end up with the pay-out of sex in the end.  Men would spend a good part of their pay checks in the quest to wine and dine a woman in order to get her to “drop them panties.”

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Remember the joke, “you eating from the F***king side of the menu”.  In her opinion, Ladies ain’t even getting a menu these days.  No Ruth’s Chris.  No Red Lobster. Puh—lease—women aren’t even ordering from the dollar menu at Mickey-D’s but are still texting pictures of their breasts and parts down yonder.

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Since a woman will have sex with a man in the parking lot of a club after simply yelling her name in her dance partner’s ear as they grind to some trap song (that’s their foreplay by the way) it makes a man less inclined to spend money on the ones who don’t see a the back seat of a Prius the same as a Holiday Inn (or, God forbid, an actual house or apartment).

As a result, we are in a Punany crisis.  Our best asset has been devalued because the market has been flooded by women who don’t value themselves.  Now don’t ya’ll start getting upset and start writing about how yo’ Punany isn’t your best asset.  Don’t send me your resume listing your degrees, and pictures showing me how pretty you are and notes from your mother telling me about your charming personality.  Punany has taken empires DOWN from Helen of Troy to Monica Lewinsky.  Nobody’s charming personality has caused the problems sex has, or sold what sex has, or brought the smartest men to their knees (just ask the Kardashians), so let’s have a real, grown woman’s conversation here.

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First, let’s establish that a woman should do whatever the heck she wants to do with her body. So if she wants to get busy with a guy she barely knows—buy all means—she should get her “Freak” on.  We are talking about those  women who want a text the next day from the guy who was throwing the condom out of the window and asks, “You said your name was, Vicky right?” and she has to correct him and tell him that it’s Nicky.

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The key is to ensure that a man is genuinely interested in YOU before you have sex with them (if you are interested in more than a 15 minute roll, a one night stand, or permanent booty-call status). That is ususally determined by looking at how much time, effort and money a man puts in or gives you.  Let’s not make this about money though.   Sometimes interest can be shown with monetary things (it sure helps), but not always.  Oftentimes a man can make you feel special simply by being thoughtful.

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Now that we have established those two things-let’s get back to the issue at hand.  We are in a crisis.  So what do we do we do?  What do we do to raise the price of Punany stock?

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Obviously, change will only happen one Punany at a time.  Each woman must respect herself enough to decide if this man has invested enough in her for her to share herself with him.  But, wouldn’t it be helpful if we had some written criteria to guide us?  Minimums?  Standards?  A formula?

I’ve never been great in math, but I came up with this formula as a guide.

(effort squared) x (thoughtfulness) x ((weekly income) divided by (amount spent)) = eligibility quotient

Basically, this calculation combines the amount of effort (on a scale of 1 – 10) and thoughtfulness (on a scale of 1 – 10) the man puts in, adds a relative financial component (meaning $20 spent on a date by a lower earning man means more than $20 spent by a higher earning man).

950 and below . . . forget it.

951 – 1,250 — it’s on the table if you are feelin’ it.

And anything over 1,250?  Give that man the punany!!

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One calculation at a time, one punany at a time; instead of raising our legs and then raising our voices to curse out men after their disappointing behavior or disappearing act, we women will cause punany to appreciate like Apple stock.

Randi Bryant
Passionate * Opinionated * Curious * Perpetually excited about life, Randi Bryant writes on her blog Beatnik24.com and has her first book coming out in early 2017.  When she’s not writing, she is happiest when there is a glass of wine in her hand.
  • Giselle Lux

    This is by far the dumbest thing I have ever read. And by proxy of being on the internet–I’ve read a lot of dumb shit. This article was sexist, insulting, and demeaning to anyone with a vagina (and a penis for that matter), I’m partly surprised it was written by a woman.

    First the author insults any woman who chooses to sleep with a man after, “…simply yelling her name in her dance partner’s ear as they grind to some trap song (that’s their foreplay by the way)” and then tries to justify her statements with some faux-feminism by saying, “…let’s establish that a woman should do whatever the heck she wants to do with her body…”. If the second part were true, then the first part wouldn’t even be an issue. The author wouldn’t feel the need to shame and police a woman’s body if the author really felt that way. Women should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies. No exceptions. And if they have the supposed “audacity” to want a call or text back the next day after meeting a guy at the club the night before who misheard her name–they can want that too. Because hopefully, she’ll have self-esteem and confidence to know that sex isn’t shameful, and she shouldn’t be embarrassed. You can have sex and still respect yourself. It shouldn’t be a foreign concept.

    Secondly, the author relies on 1950s adages to make a point in 2016. “A man is interested in you when he spends $X amount of dollars on you!” Oh goody, let’s reach back into our time vault here and dust off my grandparent’s dating manual. It’s insulting to both men and women to perpetuate these ideas. There are plenty of well-meaning dudes who aren’t making bank, do they not deserve happy relationships? It puts additional stress on men to meet these sometimes unrealistic expectations. It also undermines the intelligence of the woman by assuming that she could not pick a suitable partner based on what she thinks and feels, so she has to rely on the man’s current and future earning potential.

    Thirdly, the author compares vaginas to stocks. Seriously? Are we serious here? It’s ironic that the author shames women who have sex immediately after grinding up on dudes at the club and then wants to compare her “punany” to the stock of a *publicly traded company*. With her arguments, wouldn’t you think she would want her “punany” to be a privately owned company and NOT a publicly traded one? I guess that went a bit far over her head.

    Let’s not even start with that poorly worded half-assed attempt at a formula the author is calling the “eligibility quotient”.

    Lastly, the article is riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. Come on people.

    The takeaway here is, there is no “punany crisis”. The author sounds jaded by her own life’s mishaps, and I can only wish things do get better for her. But I think it will start when she starts loving herself and discarding bad relationship advice. And most importantly, moving her vagina to a privately owned company. She doesn’t want *everyone* to have a share of her “punany”.

    Above all, you treat yourself with respect and dignity, and you do the same to others. You can still have successful and happy relationships with whomever, however, you meet them.

    • Wow! I’ve never had such a thoughtful review. You spent quite a lot of time on your remarks. I like when I’m able to write something that garners a reaction. It seems as if I was successful with you.

      This piece was completely satirical.

      As a side note: I’ve been married 21 years this December to a wonderful man. I screwed him on the first date.

      Thanks!

  • Tami M

    Me and my girlfriends absolutely loved this article!! This article mirrors the many discussions me and my girlfriends have had over the years. It’s about time someone said it in a public forum. Bravo! Keep the honesty and brilliant writing coming. THIS is what we need to hear — the truth.